When I think about writing...

When I think about writing, i don't write. I have all of these brilliant ideas for stories in my head that stay up there dancing from earlobe to earlobe and then drift off into the oblivion of my sub conscience. My hope is that the good ones resurface. Do you get obsessed with cities? I do. One or two may peak my interest and then I spend the next week scouring Craigslist, Kijiji, and other classifieds sites looking for jobs, houses and a brand new life. Augustana's song 'Boston' could be the theme music to the made-for-tv movie that they will inevitably make about my life.

"I think I'll go to Boston

I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind

I am currently living on the east side of Vancouver going to Button Button and Dressew and living a new magical carefree Canadian life. The truth is, however, I live in a somewhat smallish city in Wisconsin trying to keep my sanity as I raise a little girl who likes to scream whenever I go into thrift stores, my absolute favorite thing.

Penelope and footprints in the Sea

The 2006 movie Penelope came out when I was otherwise occupied with traversing the globe and falling in love, so, I missed it. I found it in 2009 when we had a free week trial at Netflix. And now in 2010 I revisited this modern day ugly duckling fairy tale. I immediately fell in love with the film's backdrop; exposed brick, colorful rooms, a modern romance with a vintage twist. Schuler Fisk's song 'Waking Life,' is what caught my attention today. She sings " cause I'm not lost, just looking for footprints..."

Anyone else out there in their 30's? Anyone out there feel lost? Anyone out there feel like they should be somewhere else doing something better or greater or bigger? Yeah, me neither....

But I do feel a bit like that song. Looking for footprints, feeling like there is somewhere else I should be but not seeing the way to get there. Asking, seeking, knocking.

Silence.

So, what to do in the meantime. Cry. Pray. Love. These seem like really great options, like the movie, but without all of the traveling. I don't actually feel lost. I feel like I am waiting for Christmas morning. Anticipating what might be, what could be. And for now, I will do the things I know to do and the things I have been given to do. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter. I will change diapers and color with my 2 year old, wash dishes, enjoy a good cup of coffee, listen to my heart and to God, pray, and wait (see note).

your way was in the sea,
And Your paths in the mighty waters,
And Your footprints may not be known.
you led Your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

~Psalm 77

note: Waiting, however, is an entirely different topic. Let's be honest, waiting sucks. Waiting is supposed to teach you all of these things that you didn't know you needed to learn. It's the worst. But, it's there and its part of it, so I will try my best to not have such a bad attitude about it. I find eating chocolate helps.

Projects

I am a great starter. Do you need something started, give me a call. I will start that project for you. I will encourage you to start it, I will be your biggest fan, but what i won't do, is finish. Long term goals are not my friend. I need projects that i can start and finish in a nap time. In my daughter's life that translates to about 2.3 hours. So all of my big goals like learning french, and losing weight do not get accomplished because they cannot be done in 2.3 hours. Well maybe if i worked out for 2.3 hours or watched French television for 2.3 hours...but yeah, you see me, you understand. It's time to tackle these long term goals.

Swim Lessons

I was a fat child. Let me rephrase that, I was a fat teenager. I was always atleast 4 inches taller than everyone in my class and so in turn, i also weighed more. Remember those weigh-ins during grade school. Once a year, they would record everybody's height and weight. I have a distinct memory of my 3rd grade weigh-in. 3rd grade. I was heavier than all the other girls. I was by no means overweight, i was just bigger. But I remember this being a turning point in my psyche. Since this time in my life, I have always considered myself to be fat. Even when I was at my lowest weight; somewhere around 168...I still thought i was a fatty.

Why all the ramblings on this subject you ask? Well, today I am taking my 14 month old to parent-child swim lessons. Translation= I will be in a bathing suit. Have i mentioned that i have yet to lose the weight from having said baby 14 months ago. Blah! or maybe Waaah! That suits me better. (No pun intended). Worse things have happened, I know. I just can't think of any of them right now because i am pretty sure i have a lot of jiggly parts that I don't want the world to see . At least there will be other babies there and i almost positive that they will not be judging me.

Time to be brave.

It's raining perfectly here.

This is where I belong. In a warm house while the rain falls down with strength and diligence outside. Vancouver, Seattle, The British Isles, this is where I call home. Rain is purifying to my soul and I get inspired to blog and drink tea and talk with God more. I am baking today. My daughter is sleeping and I am baking the most wonderful Rasberry - Almond Bread, and Chocolate chip cookies, and soon I will start some lemon-???? muffins. Maybe pistachio, maybe strawberry but lemon needs a friend to mix with in all that flour.

In my past life...

In my past life I was strong and beautiful and had a lot of time to myself. Now, I change diapers and I feel tired most of the time. I also used to travel. I worked in Scotland, the most beautiful country in the world and I traveled to Spain, Morocco, France, Belgium, The Netherlands...to name a few. I love to travel. In the end, the glamour definitely went away, but once you have stayed in a Berber village, in a home where no one speaks English...it just gets you and you want more.

I have a 10 month old and she is amazing. I love her to pieces...but I want to travel and work with people who are hurting. I wonder things like, ' what would it be like to go to Haiti and work with the earthquake victims with a 10 month old? Could I live with myself if she got sick somewhere and we couldn't get her any medicine? These are just some basic ramblings as I figure out how to live my one wild and precious life (Mary Oliver).

I joined a gym

I joined Gold's Gym and yesterday I spent 50 minutes riding a bicycle while a very fit woman yelled at me. I feel good. I feel thinner, even though I did have 3 sugar cookies for breakfast. This is what it is all about. Making a change. One step at a time.